The adventure
Springing up from my sleeping position, it came back …
Tonight was such a confusing night …
Sitting on the steps to my bed, I waited for my blue chargeable hot water bottle to warm up before I went to bed. I was thinking about the beautiful songs that my friends were singing during the night and how well they sang. I looked at the clock and it was 11:00pm already.
I climbed into bed hugging the warm water bottle that I used for my second time so far. I placed the pillow aside and stretched out my neck. My dad use to tell me that is really good for my neck because I have a habit of leaning forward when I type too long on the computer. I swallowed a couple gulps of saliva, but it was getting difficult. I realised that my neck was finding it hard to adjust. A couple of minutes later when this was getting slightly uncomfortable, I decided to get my pillow back and sleep normally… So there I was … out.
I semi woke up on my left side and felt my arm being seriously dead so I decided to sleep on my back. I carried on sleeping.
Slowly but surely, with the uncomfortable blanket pushing against my throat, I started moving my left hand around to feel my neck and my other arm. Something was troubling me and I couldn’t get to sleep.
My neck felt very foreign … my right arm felt very foreign … Wait a second, my left hand felt foreign. It didn’t feel like it was my own hand but I still had control over it. Moving it around and feeling things. My left hand was warm and soft but again … it felt like a dead person’s body that I am feeling where this dead body was recently murdered. Like it happened 2 minutes ago.
Picking this signal up and remembering the horrible feeling of having a disjointed arm in my previous experience, I jumped up straight away and started moving my hand around to keep my blood and nerves moving. I was awake. I did not want to have the feeling of losing an arm again. I lay down in bed again after sitting up. I felt my left arm and it was ice cold. I felt my right arm and it was body temperature. I started feeling the trickles starting again. I sat up. This is somewhat disturbing me. May I please sleep without having to be terrified about losing a limb please?
Sigh … I sat up again with each arm hugging the other arm and fell asleep for a minute in the up-right sitting position. I was tired. This wasn’t working.
I climbed off bed with a slight fear. I switched on the lights. It was 12:30AM.
My thoughts
I can finally understand how some people have a fear of sleeping where they have to go to sleep with a sense of fear stuck in the middle of their heart. It’s not about the sleep, but more about what happens during the sleep. What happens when you’re in a state where you cannot control? Sometimes it feels as if you are possessed and you fight a battle against an unknown force in order to gain control of your body. And the questions is "Will something happen to me during this time?" Will I still have my left arm by the time I wake up? If I do end up losing my body, am I willing to give it up now? Am I doing what I am supposed to with the given life span of my life? Am I having too much fun to the extent that I forget what my priority is?
And the last question that I am still busy asking myself now as I type this out … Do I still have the will power to climb back into bed? My left arm is still cold …
Seated on this hard surfaced chair thinking about how I need to wake up to get to work at 6:30AM …
Anyway, have a lovely night ^_^
I am sure this ocean will let me know the meaning of life once I am ready for it…