The fun
We came to a restaurant after being invited to a competition by Discovery. This restaurant decided to get people to sing karaoke to win prizes.
I know I didn't have the talent to win the prize but I wanted to give karaoke a try and see what it is like to hold a mic in front of a stage.
With both hands in my pocket, I stood in the hallway of tables with Dals and Nik and everyone else that was there to support watching a random person sing to a song. He made the place very lively and everyone was singing along. Brilliant singer. Once he is done singing, it's Alex's turn and then it's mine.
Somehow, deep inside, I felt like it was a bad idea to sign up for this. Alex is a brilliant singer since he went to choir. Singing right after him doesn't feel like such a good idea.
Alex went up and sang something about needing a hero. He had a brilliant voice. A completely different crowd of people came in and the old crowd left. There was a lady that was dancing to his song like she was having the best time of her life. The judges started taking photos of him because he was so good. One photo was simply not enough. She took 2 and then 3 and it just went on.
Once he finished and walked down, the lady gave him a hug like he was her hero.
I am glad that he did really well. It gave me a smile on the inside. But at the same time, I was very nervous about going up next.
I decided to sing fields of gold by sting which was the song that I was busy practising for my next singing lesson. I wasn't fully ready for it yet though. But I signed up anyway so let's give it a try.
They called my name and I walked up to the stage. My friends gave me an applause and they started the song. It was a slow song which was slightly contradicting the songs that had a lovely feel earlier on. However, if I pull it off well, I can also get a different crowd of audience that will enjoy it just like how Alex got a completely different crowd for his.
So I started singing for the first time to a mic. I was way too soft. I started trying to sing louder because no one could hear me. As I started singing louder, my pitch went off. I finally got it back and I'm actually singing loud enough. I'm feeling slightly stable now. Suddenly, the song paused. I stared at Alex, Dals and Nic like "what's happening? I'm so lost"
Then I saw the person change tabs and then change back and say "we going to give him another chance. Please give him a scream."
Ok but then I lost everything by then. I was completely lost on where and what I'm supposed to do. 2 seconds later, they stopped the music. The person controlling the music turned around and gave me a hand gesture saying later and said to the audience "we will give him a chance later". I stared at him in all confusion with a lost face. I still stood on stage in shock because I wasn't sure what he meant. The lady next to him told me to put down the mic and re explained the situation to me.
I placed the mic down and walked down in a bit of a despair. I smiled with confusion at my friends. They didn't not smile at all.
Stopped
They said to me "well done" but I knew they said that to comfort me. They did a really shit job. Which I'm glad about because I didn't really want them to do anything about it. The best they could do is just leave me alone, stand by my side and I'll fight this battle by myself.
We sat down again and they went on chatting away about other things to try and lighten up the mood. Once in a while, they tried to involve me in the conversation and I kept backing out because they asked me stuff like the songs I liked when I was in high school and I really didn't know much songs at all in high school. So it just made me feel worse because it reminded me how horrible I am with general knowledge and knowing things about songs.
But I knew this emotion is coming. I had a plate of salad on my table that was served to me a while ago. I didn't have a single piece of appetite left to finish this salad so I asked the waiter to take it back.
I kept asking myself not to let this emotion sink in. "You don't suck" "Don't start giving up on singing just because of this" "its ok, maybe I should work harder on singing" "Wait, stop this. I'm gonna become too invested into this and forget to focus on my studies" "stop!"
I finally was able to calm down. Sigh.
As I walked out with everyone, I looked at everyone that was staring back at me with one thing in mind. That one thing was "shame". I finally know how it feels like to constantly have to fight the battle of being judged and needing to act normal about it. "Nothing is wrong Bruce. They are not judging you, just walk. Act like nothing is happening" It is true. Singing opens up the doors to situations which can lead to emotional fluctuations. Even though, it isn't the only one, it still is one of them.
Inherently, it isn't wrong to sing though because when we contemplate on the question "is singing the cause of this?" Then we get to the answer "Yes, but not really"
It was my choice to get influenced by my emotions. It was my choice to get effected by other's actions. It was my choice all along. Wasn't it?
So I came to a conclusion that yes, its fine to sing, but when singing affects my emotions to continue with other obstacles of life, I need to be an able to let it go. When I mean, let go, I mean emotionally let go.
It is the same with things such as alcohol. Yes, unless you didn't make a vow to God that you will never drink alcohol then it is fine to drink it, but when it starts to influence your emotional state to complete other tasks in life then we need to be an able to let it go. The struggle probably doesn't start at letting go. The struggle starts at know where that boundary is.